Stressbusting

I had stopped by work on a day off recently when a man appeared in the doorway, eyes downcast, asking for a food parcel. It was his first time to visit us and he was humiliated. I welcomed him in and reassured him that we were happy to help out. His shy and nervous demeanour relaxed as we chatted and I eventually prompted him to share his situation while he picked out some food to tide him over until his disability payment came through.

This man used to have a decent job, a fun life, and lots of friends. He worked in the music industry so there were lots of late nights making music and singing. His craft was his passion. Slowly and steadily the demands and accusations of high maintenance musicians wore down his protective veneer, and he had a mental breakdown. The diagnosis, as he put it, was schizophrenic tendencies. Triggered by stress. Can you imagine that turn of events in your life? If you knew that excessive and prolonged stress would trigger schizophrenia or other mental health disorders, would you initiate any changes?

From a post in Forbes Magazine in October last year, David DiSalvo reports that 'stress, no matter its cause, alters brain circuitry in ways that can have long term effects on mental health...traumatic events appear to cause depression by derailing the brain's so called reward system, which normally causes pleasurable feelings whenever we engage in fun activities like spending time with friends...stress also causes the release of chemicals that impair the function of the prefrontal cortex, home of higher level thinking...acute stress mutes our reflective tendencies, leading to everything from anxiety to aggression to depression.'

Curious about the possible link between stress and schizophrenia, I visited schizophrenia.com and discovered this: 'These lines of research are converging: brain development disruption is now known to be the result of genetic predisposition and environmental stressors early in development (during pregnancy or early childhood), leading to subtle alterations in the brain that make a person susceptible to developing schizophrenia.' There is a whole lot of cool information at the website if you are interested,  just travel via the link above.

What really intrigued me, though, is this: 'research has now shown that children's and teen's brains are very sensitive to stress (up to 5 to 10 times more sensitive than adult brains) and can be damaged by frequent or ongoing stress. ... This stress-related brain damage can greatly increase risk for many types of mental illness later in life.' (sourced from the same article listed above)

There will be more about mental health in our civilised first world in a coming blog because it's a growing concern, but before I sign off I would like to share an interesting bit of information: people with the genetic predisposition for schizophrenia had a 1000% increase in their risk of developing the illness if they smoked marijuana!! If that is your fallback choice to alleviate stress, you may want to try something else. And if your children get stressed a lot, consider finding ways to help them handle it. Their brains continue to grow until they are 25 years old, and while they are amazingly adaptable and capable, able to regenerate and learn quickly, it would be great to fortify them with a solid foundation to handle stress easily as they travel down the road to independence.

Kids and Kindness

Recently my eight-year-old daughter came home from school in a good mood. But by bed time, as she became more and more tired, she started to really misbehave, which is quite out of the ordinary for her. When she crossed our line of acceptable behaviour, she was sent to her room to calm down. Ten or so minutes later I dropped in and she burst into tears and apologised, explaining that she had been feeling frustrated from the day's events. Aha. The old hold-all-the-emotions-in trick.

I have raised my children to be kind, but that is, I now see, not good enough. Because when faced with someone who is mean, kindness has little effect. I actually think the kindest kids may be the favourite to pick on, because the retribution is minimal, and the resulting stress the kind children feel and express through tears is a good reward for those kids doing the harrassing. In the two schools we have attended the staff at both teach the children being hassled to put up their hands and say, 'stop it, I don't like what you are doing,' and if it continues to escalate, to say, 'if you don't stop I will tell the teacher.' To the kids who love to stir up others, these retorts would have very little effect. In fact, it may just stir up their fun level a notch or two. In the face of these kinds of children, kindness does not work. No wonder she got so frustrated: despite following the social rules, some children will not (can not?) reciprocate.

To my daughter's shock, I gave her permission to say 'no' to the troublesome child when she tried to come between the two friends. And in class when this child interrupted and disturbed her learning, I gave her permission to speak out loud and interrupt the teacher by demanding that the child stop. 'Really?' she asked. 'I don't want to get in trouble.' I smiled, 'you can tell the teacher that I gave you permission to speak that way, and the teacher can talk to me if she doesn't like what you did.'

At school the very next day the trouble maker came over to stir up the two kids playing nicely. My daughter turned to her and said, 'no,' and explained she had had enough of her interruptions. Shocked, the troublesome child went to the teacher to report the incident. (Imagine!) The teacher heard both sides of the story and requested that the troublesome child leave the others alone and sent her off to play elsewhere.

It's not enough to be kind in this world. There are unkind people who need to hear 'no'. And the nice kids need to know how to say it and stand up for themselves. It doesn't mean stooping to the behaviour of these kids, but it does mean knowing that if that amazing inner voice says, 'this feels wrong,' the nice kids have the power to say 'no way,' whether it's trouble making kids in the playground or adults intent on mischief. Our kids need to know they've got permission to stand up for themselves. They need to learn to listen to their intuition. They need to know they have the right to refuse to do anything that seems wrong. The relieved and satisfied look on my daughter's face when she relayed the success of her new strategy during the day's events confirmed for me that kindness, while an important aspect of feeling good about oneself, is not enough on its own.

What's yours?

I got my first unsubscribe request today. Not my first rejection with all the projects I've worked on, but blogging is much more personal than fiction. At least it feels to me like it's a bigger risk.  Writing a story of fiction is bloody hard work, don't get me wrong, but to send my own personal observations out there on the net for others to read and judge? Yikes. I had to stop and think about how this unsubscribe request felt to me, naturally with a pen and paper.

When I wrote fiction, the point was always very clear: to entertain and inspire people to feel emotions, and hopefully help them feel connected to something greater, more universal. What then, are the points of my blogs?

A friend recently shared an incident with me when she talked herself out of trying something new by asking 'what's the point?' to her daughter, who snorted and said, 'there doesn't have to be a point to everything we do.' Are we so trapped in our left brains that we can't do something purely for pleasure? I think perhaps that I have missed the point of my writing: it's not about anyone else, it's about doing something I just have to do. For now, it's in the form of a blog.

What I've realised is that writing is my addiction. Blogs are the latest method to feed my habit. My husband once told me that I get 'feral' when I am between projects. Writing brings me back to myself, helps me clarify what's going on inside, allows me to connect to something bigger than my roles as daughter, wife, mother, daughter-in-law, friend, school parent, employee etc. 

The definition of addiction by the free online medical dictionary states:

Addiction is a persistent, compulsive dependence on a behavior or substance. The term has been partially replaced by the word dependence for substance abuse. Addiction has been extended, however, to include mood-altering behaviors or activities. 

This definition is abbreviated, and there is an interesting slew of information that follows about the costs to health care (in this case, in the US) to treat people addicted to substances.

Maybe we all have our own 'addictions'. Would you be more comfortable if I used the word 'hobbies'? But really, aren't all the activities a search for satisfying our soul, for altering our moods? Yes, some are much more serious and damaging, I agree. I just get grumpy when I don't make time to write. An alcoholic quitting cold turkey could shock the body into heart failure. A woman I know resorts to quilting. She knows its her day off or down time when she cuts, sorts, and stitches material together. When work overwhelms her, she goes home and quilts. We all know someone who pops a cork or laces up the running shoes. So what happens to people who haven't found a hobby, or just don't make time? Are they those grumpy people we run into all the time?

What's your addiction or hobby? What do you get from it? I would love to know. Meanwhile, I will keep on writing, because it is for my own peace of mind or soul. And when I get feedback telling me that I've struck a chord, that's great. And when someone else unsubscribes, well that's fine too. I've fiddled with my words and things make sense. Phew!

Yes, You Are One too

On Saturday, October 12 across dozens of countries around the world, in hundreds of cities, thousands of people came together to demonstrate their concerns about the actions of one company. A single company. And where in Australia can I read about this feat? The local online paper of Margaret River, it seems, a small town in southern Western Australia. And Facebook. There I can find pictures of protestors from: all across America, Canada, England, Holland, France, Germany, South Africa, India, Japan, Puerto Rico, Jamaica, Portugal, Chile, New Zealand, Austria, Bulgaria, Switzerland, and Slovenia. Also online I can read about it at websites from around the world too, except for those here in Australia.

Why have the major newspapers here chosen not to report on this event? I wonder if there  exists a fear of retribution from this huge and greedy company. Fear of something. What? I can't imagine why else there wouldn't be celebrations of the actions and efforts of so many people from so many places. Against a single company! Why aren't papers looking into this event, and trying to answer why would so many people come together? What is it about this company that inspires such action?

I won't try to break down their track record. They are surrounded by so much controversy that even scientists on or not on their payroll would have trouble convincing you to support them or not. But I do know that after reading reports, hearing scientists speak, studying the effects of GM foods on animals, people and the environment, that there is a problem with what they are up to. I have no interest in an argument or discussion with you; I did my research and made up my own mind. And so, it seems, have thousands of other people around the world.

Even though my role in this world is currently limited to immediate family and friends, I still occasionally get that roll of the eye when I talk about being an environmentalist. Hear this now: you are all environmentalists. Yes, you journalists too. Don't believe me? Who likes the feeling of sunshine on their skin on a spring morning? Who likes going camping? Who likes spending the day on the beach? Who has a holiday house? A boat? A jetski? A canoe? A caravan? A tent? Who loves the sight and smell of flowers blossoming in spring? Who loves the smell when they enter a forest? Or the spring thaw of the earth in a country that freezes over? The sight of green when they get outside the city limits? The beautiful array of fresh food at a market? Watching animals do their thing at zoos or how lucky how about in the wild? Going fishing? Hiking? Biking? Skiing? Strolling? Rolling? Swimming? Where do we know is good for kids to spend time? Enjoy your food/wine/coffee/tea? Love fresh air? Looking at a view of mountains, water, islands, trees? Ever smell your food before buying?

Face it. You are an environmentalist too. Does this mean you should go march too? If you like. Or it could mean it's time to take an interest in what's going on with what's most important to you, otherwise companies like Monsanto and the slew of politicians in their pockets (and newspapers?) will remove nature from your food/wine/coffee/tea and replace little bits with science projects. That may be okay with you, but it would be nice to have a choice. And some control. Monsanto's executives have been reported to state that the company goal is to control 100% of the commercial seed supply in the world.  All of them genetically modified and patented. I mustn't get started or you'll give up on my blog. Just listen. Not to me alone, but to the thousands of people who on Saturday banded together to demonstrate that the world needs to take note. Please, take note! Especially you Australian journalists.

Always a choice

I have been procrastinating these few days. Not only are school holidays on now, which is a busy time, but several of us have been ill too. The real reason, however, is my resistance to face the revelation that has surfaced. It's a vulnerability thing. Perhaps you didn't know I'm human. Or perhaps you didn't think I knew I was human? Oh I know it. The emotions that have always flowed through me remind me constantly. And they are cause for the half of the population who couldn't stand Eat Pray Love to shake their head at me and want to tell me to get over myself. Oh if it were so easy!

For those people who have known me longest, they are aware of how much time and effort I have put into writing stories. Screenplays (five), an attempt at two novels, short stories, and most recently a stage play. While technically I get good scores, there are elements that are lacking. A couple of months ago I discovered it was theme, the reason behind the story. But this past week it came up again that my main characters, my protagonists, are victims, and as any writer will tell you that kind of person is boring and a fast route to a dead story. A victim has things and events happen to them, rather than making decisions to take actions, even if the results are disastrous.  This word, victim, has come up a few times for me. Do you ever get that, when something seems to keep reappearing to you, demanding attention? Even these reminders from the universe are proactive!

While I tried to grasp the definition of victim in terms of crafting character I naturally looked around my life at myself and people. What kind of behaviour do victims have? What kind of attitudes? What does their life look like? What are their habits? And the scariest question of all, do I? Could I behave like one? Are there times when my fall-back attitude is one of a victim? It couldn't be possible, could it? No, surely not, not in my pampered little world. Then one night I dreamed clearly of a horse. I was riding, and it bucked and kicked until I flew off, and then it pushed me away from it and into a river. Being a spiritual being, I looked up horse in my power animal oracle cards. The key words on the card itself are: 'Freedom. You always have a choice.' Huh. I opened the little guide book and started to read: 'Let go the illusion that you're somehow a victim. Know that you always have a choice in any and every situation. Take responsibility for the consequences of that choice, and stop holding on to any beliefs that you have to somehow suffer though or endure the circumstances of that choice. Once you fully allow this reality, you will automatically shift into experiencing greater control over your life.' How's that for a nudge?

Yesterday I was busy doing errands. I had been quite unwell the previous two days and spent them at home. All right, I wasn't really on the couch, but I did avoid housework and instead pottered in the garden and sorted through clutter that was begging to be handled. Very satisfying. But yesterday the children were with me and once again the normal demands of life returned. We had several errands to do and the list got longer as one item we needed for a birthday today was proving elusive. I can't stand shopping at the best of times, so to have to extend my list by three or four shops in different locations became tedious. Add to that the demands of children who get hungry, want to buy this, want to look over here, want their allowance, get nosebleeds in the middle of Spotlight, and then throw wobblies (temper tantrums in Aussie slang) because they can't get their way, well, you can imagine how the fun factor of a day out together wore out very quickly. Oh the woes of our first world. I can hear the sighs of the Eat Pray Love haters again.

To get to the point, as I became grumpier and grumpier about children who say no when I ask for help but still expect dinner cooked, about the possibility that I have victim tendencies, about the rest of the clutter/chores/weeds that needed attention, that the chicken for dinner was still frozen solid, and that I felt exhausted and so unwell I just wanted to sit down and quit, I realised that I was being a victim. Oh poor me. I knew if I stood at the stove and cooked I was going to resent dinner, resent the family, and myself for doing what was expected rather than looking after myself. The horse card came to mind, 'you always have a choice.' And so I closed the door to the study and plonked myself down in my chair with a cup of tea and told the girls to make themselves busy somewhere else. Seems so obvious doesn't it? I can hear echoes of 'duh'. Yes, okay I can be a slow learner. It has taken a lot of thought and attention to learn this about myself, to see that indeed when stressed I can play the victim. Yuck! That sucks! Who likes a victim? No one. And so what the heck am I role modeling to my children??? That always gets me.  Is that what divides the Eat Pray Love readers? Those who have victim tendencies love the story and those who don't hate it? So I've said it. It feels like a confession of weakness.

Am I alone in the universe who for some bizarre reason adopted this behaviour? Is it a housewife of the first world syndrome? Is it a nature/nurture thing? Societal trend? I suppose the most important question is how do I move away from it? As Brooks and Dunn say in one of my favourite songs, 'it's just a drop in the bucket till the bucket fills up.' I'll keep looking at my horse card propped up on my desk and when I start to feel that irritability come over me I will remind myself that I always have a choice. Seems so ridiculous, really. I am reading a book called "Global Woman" in which I am learning about the huge industry of imported females from third world countries to work as nannies, maids and sex workers in the first world countries, often leaving behind their own children to be raised by someone else. What strength would it take to make a decision like that? To alleviate the terrible poverty of their situation, these women choose to live and work oversease, sometimes not seeing their own children for years. Well, perhaps in starting to be more aware of my own choices I can move forward to making greater and more meaningful decisions. And then I too can become one of the impatient Eat Pray Love disdainers.