A Lesson in Irritation

I have been reading one of Doreen Virtue's book about Angels. Do you believe in them, or do you think it's new-age hokey crap? I like the idea that I have guardian angels around me, and in particular that my daughters have them. I am an intuitive individual. It helps in coaching, and life in general. I find it hard to believe that I am capable of having these intuitions on my own, without some kind of divine help. Same with my writing. I can write pages and pages, and then once I close my computer, I've pretty much forgotten what I've written. It feels like there's a greater force supporting me.

One point in the book that struck me was about being aware of what irritates us. It could be other people (that driver!), that child (listen!), that pet (come here!), or even that computer (just work!). Doreen, and other self-help gurus, because I know I've read this before, suggest that what gets us worked up is a reflection of something about ourselves that irritates us. My husband gets worked up when he sees that my daughter isn't working hard enough on her school work. He thinks that sitting sprawled on the couch listening to music is a sign that she is slacking off. I asked him what evidence he had that she wasn't getting good results, and he didn't have any. He said, I just worry that she's not going to develop good habits and limit herself in the future. Fair enough, I thought. Then he added, like I did. Or maybe he said, do. Aha.

I was walking the dog one day and realised that I was totally irritated with her. She was stopping at every tree, sniffing for ages, and taking her bloody time to move on. Naturally I spoke sharply at her like she could understand my annoyance, and remembering that I was controlling the lead and not her, yanked her onwards and limited her to a tree or two per street. What the heck? Doreen's words floated into my brain and I pondered what my problem was.

Here's my confession: I get irritated with high needs. Children, dogs, adults, my 19 year old cat (she is so picky with her food that I cannot keep up day to day), and even, I must admit, technology. So why? I don't consider myself a high needs person, so why do other people's high needs irritate me? The answer floated up to me: because you don't honour your own needs as much as you honour everyone else's. Bang! Typical of many women, I think. I do enjoy meeting everyone else's needs, taking care of the kids and pets and house, supporting my husband, putting all my energy into work. Okay yes, often my own needs have been tossed into the back seat.

So that is my a-ha moment this week. It's a good one. Right now I'm using it as an excuse to downgrade the amount of housework I do, and honour my need to do a little more reading. Doreen has a couple more books I'd like to get into, along with the new Lee Child. Taking Jack Reacher to bed is one of my favourite activities!

Unpacking Hunger

I had an interesting discussion with someone recently one morning outside a St Kilda cafe. Never mind the empty bottle of alcohol on his table and the slurred enthusiasm with which he had stopped me for a chat, I was game for a bit of fun. He asked me where I was going and what I was off to do, and I explained that I was going to provide food and support for some hungry people. "Ahhh," he waved his hand, dismissively, "the homeless people aren't hungry, that's just a stereotype." I smiled broadly. "But I didn't say they were homeless people." He stopped in surprise, then laughed the loud, hearty chuckle of a happy drunk. We then had a slightly more open minded discussion about who really is hungry and why do I see them.

This issue of hunger is serious, as the well known psychologist Abraham Maslowe pointed out in his hierarchy of needs. Food is one of the most basic physiological elements humans need to meet before we can move higher up into the realms of safety, love and belonging, esteem and self-actualisation. To compound the troubles of hunger with stereotypes is a flaw that people who have never really experienced hunger before seem to possess.

There are a lot of statistics that prove how prevalent hungry people are. Foodbank Victoria, the largest food relief agency in Victoria, supports over nine hundred charities each year. Their massive warehouse serves as a depot for charities to book in, order, and retrieve the non perishables, fresh fruit and vegetables, and in a good week, dairy products and prepared Fareshare meals. Huge trucks load up here before heading out to regional centres. These nine hundred charities then pass along a staggering 10.4 million kilos of food to hungry clients to provide the astonishing number of 18 million meals each year. We are fortunate in this country to have these resources that so many people work to gather and distribute. Indeed, Foodbank's huge warehouse is staffed mainly by volunteers.

What interests me are the people, those statistics who walk in my door, and ask for food. Our community centre is a final desperate stop for many. There are a few people who come every month, insisting it's an emergency while really just checking out what we have on offer. Some people have a poverty mindset and will always see what they can get for free. Most people, however, are in dire straights. I have heard long stories from young adults in complete shock, who had jobs and apartments and cars, and lost it all when they were made redundant. I have seen career men and women crumpled by addictions that finally got the upper hand, people damaged by terrible accidents that left them with staggering medical bills that undid everything they had worked for, and people who have tried to be all society expected of them, only to implode in mental illnesses. Just about all of them are not living the lives they had once dreamed of. Grandparents, parents, children, couples, singles, young and old souls: there are no exceptions. Most people are supremely grateful, some embarrassed, and a few are terribly humbled to have to ask.

We have discovered, however, that hunger is about more than just filling a rumbling stomach. It's about providing the space to be safe, free of judgements, and heard. Battered women, grandparents struggling to raise grandchildren, parents who can't make ends meet, numerous people learning to live with a mental illness, and many, many people living on the New Start allowance that barely covers rent, utilities and a bit of food, never mind any spare dollars for transportation to job interviews, school fees, or socialising in a cafe with friends.

Our vision at the Centre is inclusiveness, a place to build connections, and provide pathways to greater involvement in society. As our volunteers, quilters, yoga attendees, and even the parishioners next door know, we offer a pretty cool community to become a part of. Some clients have become volunteers, then staff, and then moved on to further studies and jobs. And yet, every year we strive to meet our needs too. We visit Foodbank every fortnight, we are a Second Bite drop off point each Monday morning for local charities to collect fresh fruit and vegetables, we have over fifty volunteers supporting our aims, and each year we spare no effort as we stave off closure and fight for funding to keep the centre staffed and the cupboards full. Throwaway comments that no one really goes hungry in our society are unfair and inaccurate, as is the assumption that those needs, and ours to provide the support, are easy to meet. These are complex situations and real people. Come see us, come talk to me, come determine your own truths.