A Lesson in Irritation

I have been reading one of Doreen Virtue's book about Angels. Do you believe in them, or do you think it's new-age hokey crap? I like the idea that I have guardian angels around me, and in particular that my daughters have them. I am an intuitive individual. It helps in coaching, and life in general. I find it hard to believe that I am capable of having these intuitions on my own, without some kind of divine help. Same with my writing. I can write pages and pages, and then once I close my computer, I've pretty much forgotten what I've written. It feels like there's a greater force supporting me.

One point in the book that struck me was about being aware of what irritates us. It could be other people (that driver!), that child (listen!), that pet (come here!), or even that computer (just work!). Doreen, and other self-help gurus, because I know I've read this before, suggest that what gets us worked up is a reflection of something about ourselves that irritates us. My husband gets worked up when he sees that my daughter isn't working hard enough on her school work. He thinks that sitting sprawled on the couch listening to music is a sign that she is slacking off. I asked him what evidence he had that she wasn't getting good results, and he didn't have any. He said, I just worry that she's not going to develop good habits and limit herself in the future. Fair enough, I thought. Then he added, like I did. Or maybe he said, do. Aha.

I was walking the dog one day and realised that I was totally irritated with her. She was stopping at every tree, sniffing for ages, and taking her bloody time to move on. Naturally I spoke sharply at her like she could understand my annoyance, and remembering that I was controlling the lead and not her, yanked her onwards and limited her to a tree or two per street. What the heck? Doreen's words floated into my brain and I pondered what my problem was.

Here's my confession: I get irritated with high needs. Children, dogs, adults, my 19 year old cat (she is so picky with her food that I cannot keep up day to day), and even, I must admit, technology. So why? I don't consider myself a high needs person, so why do other people's high needs irritate me? The answer floated up to me: because you don't honour your own needs as much as you honour everyone else's. Bang! Typical of many women, I think. I do enjoy meeting everyone else's needs, taking care of the kids and pets and house, supporting my husband, putting all my energy into work. Okay yes, often my own needs have been tossed into the back seat.

So that is my a-ha moment this week. It's a good one. Right now I'm using it as an excuse to downgrade the amount of housework I do, and honour my need to do a little more reading. Doreen has a couple more books I'd like to get into, along with the new Lee Child. Taking Jack Reacher to bed is one of my favourite activities!

Unpacking Hunger

I had an interesting discussion with someone recently one morning outside a St Kilda cafe. Never mind the empty bottle of alcohol on his table and the slurred enthusiasm with which he had stopped me for a chat, I was game for a bit of fun. He asked me where I was going and what I was off to do, and I explained that I was going to provide food and support for some hungry people. "Ahhh," he waved his hand, dismissively, "the homeless people aren't hungry, that's just a stereotype." I smiled broadly. "But I didn't say they were homeless people." He stopped in surprise, then laughed the loud, hearty chuckle of a happy drunk. We then had a slightly more open minded discussion about who really is hungry and why do I see them.

This issue of hunger is serious, as the well known psychologist Abraham Maslowe pointed out in his hierarchy of needs. Food is one of the most basic physiological elements humans need to meet before we can move higher up into the realms of safety, love and belonging, esteem and self-actualisation. To compound the troubles of hunger with stereotypes is a flaw that people who have never really experienced hunger before seem to possess.

There are a lot of statistics that prove how prevalent hungry people are. Foodbank Victoria, the largest food relief agency in Victoria, supports over nine hundred charities each year. Their massive warehouse serves as a depot for charities to book in, order, and retrieve the non perishables, fresh fruit and vegetables, and in a good week, dairy products and prepared Fareshare meals. Huge trucks load up here before heading out to regional centres. These nine hundred charities then pass along a staggering 10.4 million kilos of food to hungry clients to provide the astonishing number of 18 million meals each year. We are fortunate in this country to have these resources that so many people work to gather and distribute. Indeed, Foodbank's huge warehouse is staffed mainly by volunteers.

What interests me are the people, those statistics who walk in my door, and ask for food. Our community centre is a final desperate stop for many. There are a few people who come every month, insisting it's an emergency while really just checking out what we have on offer. Some people have a poverty mindset and will always see what they can get for free. Most people, however, are in dire straights. I have heard long stories from young adults in complete shock, who had jobs and apartments and cars, and lost it all when they were made redundant. I have seen career men and women crumpled by addictions that finally got the upper hand, people damaged by terrible accidents that left them with staggering medical bills that undid everything they had worked for, and people who have tried to be all society expected of them, only to implode in mental illnesses. Just about all of them are not living the lives they had once dreamed of. Grandparents, parents, children, couples, singles, young and old souls: there are no exceptions. Most people are supremely grateful, some embarrassed, and a few are terribly humbled to have to ask.

We have discovered, however, that hunger is about more than just filling a rumbling stomach. It's about providing the space to be safe, free of judgements, and heard. Battered women, grandparents struggling to raise grandchildren, parents who can't make ends meet, numerous people learning to live with a mental illness, and many, many people living on the New Start allowance that barely covers rent, utilities and a bit of food, never mind any spare dollars for transportation to job interviews, school fees, or socialising in a cafe with friends.

Our vision at the Centre is inclusiveness, a place to build connections, and provide pathways to greater involvement in society. As our volunteers, quilters, yoga attendees, and even the parishioners next door know, we offer a pretty cool community to become a part of. Some clients have become volunteers, then staff, and then moved on to further studies and jobs. And yet, every year we strive to meet our needs too. We visit Foodbank every fortnight, we are a Second Bite drop off point each Monday morning for local charities to collect fresh fruit and vegetables, we have over fifty volunteers supporting our aims, and each year we spare no effort as we stave off closure and fight for funding to keep the centre staffed and the cupboards full. Throwaway comments that no one really goes hungry in our society are unfair and inaccurate, as is the assumption that those needs, and ours to provide the support, are easy to meet. These are complex situations and real people. Come see us, come talk to me, come determine your own truths.

Pondering Pathways

Following the end of the 12 week program, Growing Strengths, Self-Belief and Superpowers, I thought I would feel nothing but relief. It was a full-on program, requiring weekly tweeks and okay yes, some complete rewrites of the original plan, to respond to the unique needs of this group of women. I enjoyed the challenges and the learning that came with the effort. Hence the anticipated relief after week 12. However, I find a pocket of despondence within.

There are a few prongs to my feelings. First, there is something quite amazing about watching a group of people transform. To witness brains absorb new material, see life in new ways, have moments of AHA, and moments of unstoppable grief, is a precious gift. From these moments, the brain creates new pathways, pathways to conscious living, to mindfulness in every aspect of their living, to choosing what is important and how to act by those choices, to empowered living, to becoming clear about what they want out of life.

Second, we had a bit of fun! I miss that. We bounced between serious moments of dismantling previous assumptions to imagining the most outlandish futures, and even poking some fun at each other. How serious and sad would life be without some fun to balance our struggles.

And the third reason for my despondence is because I'm missing that stumulation to think again about my own life. We can't ever go wrong having a look over our lives, our values, our beliefs, how we speak to ourselves, what guides our decisions, and what goals we are working towards. I think of my cluttered desk and study that I recently took apart and put together again with all the items I want rather than what had suited me at one time or another.

Now I take my thoughts and put them through another kind of workout, and okay yes, I am putting my family through some of the workout too. This weekend we are doing our own vision board workshop. What could be more fun than considering our lives and future, looking through inspiring magazines, cutting out meaningul phrases and pictures, assembling and pasting them in some amazing way to inspire ourselves and give us exciting pathways to work towards? Front and centre of my board will be the word: FUN. Where does it sit in your vision of your life, and what does that word mean to you?

Let me know!

An Imagination Workout

A client last week had a decision to make and was finding it difficult. Not a major life decision, but one that would impact upon several areas of her life.  I pulled out some blank paper and told her to write down or draw all the things that were important to her. I sat back and let her imagination take over. Once she finished, we then looked at the decision and checked how it stacked up against what she had determined were the most important things in her life. The decision became obvious to her, and she announced it with great personal satisfaction and complete ownership.

This week it was my turn. I have been putting off a decision for a good month or more, and today was the last chance I had to make it or tuck my tail between my legs and lay blame elsewhere: my to-do list, my family, my bank, my pet, my pen that ran out - you know, anywhere but with me. I'm a coach! I can't admit to a lack of skills, smarts, esteem, ability to manage myself! I thought back to my amazing client and decided I could do with my own imagination workout. I got out a large blank scrapbook I use for brainstorming, found a coloured pen with ink, and started to write. Wow, what an exercise! I thought I knew what was important in a vague, nebulous kind of way, but to see the words right there on paper: Wow. And it wasn't just the words, it was where some of the words overlapped, where patterns became visible, that really impressed upon me what truly pulled my heartstrings.

Something else that happened this week to guide my next decision. A friend of mine was telling me how sick to death she was of her boyfriend's mess, and how she recently announced to him that she would no longer visit him at his home or spend weekends with him there. No attack, no manipulation, no aggression. A simple but profound statement that said, What I need is important too, and this is my decision. I was so impressed.

And so I announced to my family who were blaring Prince's music and doing their thing on a Saturday morning that I was going to the library. No fights about my need for quiet, or being a martyr and whining about how little my needs mean, or demanding more support. (I know, I know, pathetic!) I felt empowered and that I had edged closer to an item on my list: self mastery. Ahhh, now doesn't that have a nice ring to it?

Crazed to Unfazed

Did you know it's official? Trees reduce stress. What people have innately understood since the dawn of time has now been funded and scientifically tested so that we have evidence based proof. Now we can take it seriously. The University of Wisconsin's School of Medicine and Public Health in 2014 receive funding to explore the impact of nature on people, and found that “higher levels of green space were associated with lower symptoms of anxiety, depression and stress.” No matter the income level, the more green around you, the happier you are. Surprised?
I recommend that someone funds the planting of a serious number of trees on the school drop-off routes. The craze with which drivers race in and out of lanes and rush through lights astounds me. I was rear-ended last week when I had to hit the brakes turning right through an orange light because the car that I expected to stop instead gunned his engine and raced through. A crunch behind me propelled me forward. Argh! More trees please! When the driver got out of his car to inspect damage with me, he apologised straight away and confessed he was in such a rush he hadn't noticed the other car running the light. It could have been a 3 car crash, I reasoned to myself, as my cortisone levels hovered up with the tree tops.
Those incredible stress hormones that flood our body when stress occurs, originally to prepare us for fight or flight, can make us stronger or faster than we normally are. Sounds pretty good, right? The hormones prepare every system in our body to deal with a threat - our hearts beat faster and pump more blood, our lungs speed up to increase oxygen, muscles tense in preparation, our nervous system becomes super alert. Pretty amazing. However, these days the typical citizen gets stressed out all the time. Our poor bodies are constantly fighting wild animals and running from sabre tooth tigers. Or facing morning traffic and a host of self-imposed stresses, including caffeine and sugar, and incidents we deem sufficient to freak over (like being late) which trigger similar effects.
The results of high levels of stress are not good. Our nerves are shot, we become more susceptible to heart disease and diabetes, there's an increased risk of panic attacks, asthmatics can get into trouble if the body demands more oxygen and the lungs cannot provide it, injuries can be exacerbated, constant headaches, tension...we become exhausted, physically and mentally, and grow more impatient and cranky each day.
Recently I saw a film called The Connection, which documents the evidence based information to prove that meditation is good for you, and can in fact have huge positive consequences for us, like switching genes on and off, aiding in the management of chronic pain, impacting upon our mental and physical selves in a range of wonderful ways, even stimulating areas of our brain that we otherwise are unable to. It's a simple activity that requires no degree, no equipment, no travel, no teacher, nothing more than a quiet spot to sit and just breathe. I have found the effects to be quite wonderful. And peaceful. Just what I need to share the road with crazed out petrol heads whacked out on caffeine, running late and determined to butt in, cut off, squeeze past and drive on my bumper to make me go faster.
I challenge you to experiment on yourself. Start with just a couple of minutes in the morning and evening. Never mind the thoughts that come and go. Let them go and come back to your breath. I'd wager you'll soon find a couple of minutes is not enough. Maybe we should meditate while leaning on a tree.
Whatever works to support a more peaceful way of living suits me fine. What works for you?

The Brain Catch

I was out for dinner with some close friends the other night and we were discussing those teenage days when we watched horror films with terrified excitement. I remember crazy sleepovers at my home with everyone trying to scare each other silly by wrenching someone out of sleep with light claw scrapes across our cheek. Oh how I wished I had never seen any of those films.

Why not, I hope you ask. Well, I'll let you in on a secret. Our amazing brains cannot tell the difference between what is imagined and what is real. Isn't that the delight of horror films, or perhaps all films? We get all caught up in the emotional terror (romance/excitement) of the main character from the safety of our couch. Have you ever tried to tell a five-year-old not to be afraid of Captain Cook or the boogie monster because he isn't real? Yeah, they don't get it. They are emotionally worked up into a feverish state of pure fear. There is no logic that will work to talk them out of it.

If we imagine something, then our brain works away to make it possible. Athletes use this technique all the time to picture themselves making the perfect movement. Lots of successful people visualise themselves making the exact speech or deal they want. Or imagine themselves already in the role that they desire. Our subconcious then connects the pathways to make what we imagine totally possible. Within reason, of course. No matter how much I visualise, I don't think I will ever beat Mr Bolt in a running race. But I could set myself up with a new goal, picture it happening, and let the incredible energy of my mind tick away to create opportunities.

Tell me, what do you see when you imagine yourself five years down the track? What are you telling your brain will happen? Or not happen? There are many documented cases of spontaneous healing. Just read Dr Andrew Weil's book by that name, Spontaneous Healing. It's wonderfully inspiring. Do you imagine yourself plagued by illness? Or jumping out of bed with vitality? Are you still in a job that makes the ends meet, or can you see yourself loving a different job, perhaps doing something completely different or someplace totally new? Do you see yourself still struggling to have children, or surrounded by the smiling, joyful energy of kids? What about your life partner? Are you bickering and still at odds, or is your home filled with harmony and honest, open communication?

You will know what your heart needs and wants. If you don't, then take some time to listen to the silence. Your inner voice does know. Trust it. Find a style of meditation that works for you. Meditation is spiritual gold. Consider a life coach too. We have many tricks up our sleeves to spur your heart and mind into action. I know now as an adult that my imaginative brain did not need to see images of crazy lunatics spearing kids at camp or sinking helplessly into the sand. Those were images that I most certainly did not want ever to see manifested, or even know were possible. I have a lot more fun now imagining all sorts of things I do want to happen!

Evaluating Our Values

A few weeks ago I applied for a position in a wellness centre. As part of the application process I had to answer in writing several questions, one of which was, 'What are your top three values?'

In my coaching studies we did an hour-long webinar and lots of reading on values and beliefs as it is a key skill of coaching: to tune into a client's own values and beliefs, highlighting ones that empower the realisation of their best selves and identifiying limiting ones that get in their way. As these values are often unconscious, they can become outdated and even obstacles as we grow and shift on our life's journey.

I found it a challenging exercise to turn the focus inward to look at myself. It's not a common item on my to-do list. Is it on yours? Off the top of my head my list of values to choose from was pretty limited so I did a quick internet search and found hundreds of lists in all different styles and formats.

The advice I found when cruising sites was to look for ones that 'jumped' out at me. Imagining my new position and clients, I then plucked out three words: independence (why I was looking for a position), courage (what I needed to take this step), and respect (pretty obvious, I think!).

I felt quite satisfied with my choices, not only for the application but also because I felt I got to know myself a little better, and I quite liked what those values said to me about me. One thing that has struck home with me throughout my studies is that if I am to see the magnificence in every client, then I must also be able to see it in myself. As Anthony Robbins succenctly stated, 'The most important opinion a person will ever hold is the one they hold about themselves.'

To know what we stand for anchors us in our truth. Understanding our values and beliefs is an important part of self development on our journey to living our best life. They can guide our decisions, and they can be chopped and changed as our goals shift as we hurtle through our various life stages.

Find a list (the one I used is here) and look for words that jump out at you, keeping in mind your current goals. Chew them over. Do they fit? Are there others that you think you would prefer? A new phase of life can easily require a new set of principles. An offered position as a CEO with huge demands and commitments is hardly the time to prioritise more time at home with a partner or family. Values are essential to keep in mind when making decisions and to help prioritise actions. If my goals are wealth and productivity, it's probably not the best choice to join a girls' weekend away shopping in the big city.

Just in case you're interested, I never heard back from the wellness centre. After the first week I sent a follow-up email, after two weeks I decided to drop by the centre and check it out, pretending that I was a potential client. Lovely place. Great location. Not a soul there except the owner and colleague at lunch time on a weekday. Perhaps they are looking way ahead at a long range forecast. Or perhaps their values just aren't in aligment with mine. Whatever. A door will open soon enough. Especially with my newly tailored list of values to guide me.