The Threatening To-Do List

I've been procrastinating a lot lately. My attention wavered from my studies. I haven't faced up to writing more than boring repetitive journal entries. Clutter was getting so deep that the house started to take on that stale stuffy smell. I was managing to get the kids chauffeured around on time and the dog out for a walk, but everything else seemed too much, not enough time, too busy. Ever been there?

Today I decided to listen to a webinar for my studies while I pottered about dismantling the alarming amount of clutter. It was called Clearing Out the Clutter. Sometimes I surprise myself. While the coach talked about how clutter zaps our energy and creates an obstacle to moving forward, I created a staggering pile of paper to recycle (why did I print out so many film scripts and how many doodles can kids leave lying around?), filed away important documents, stashed a few treasures in memory boxes, and finally made executive decisions about bits and pieces.

Then the coach suggested we do an exercise. I quickly rushed over, plopped into a chair as directed, feet on the floor, and took a few deep cleansing breaths. Then with pen and paper I followed her instructions and made a note of everything that came to mind as she asked a series of questions, like: What unfinished tasks do you dwell on, What are you worried about, Are you concerned about something in your future, Has someone made you angry, Is there someone you need to forgive...? And then my breath caught. My heart is pounding again as I relive that moment. The coach's words then faded into the background as my attention turned inwards. What was going on? Why had time stopped? Why couldn't I breathe?

Forgiveness. There was someone I needed to forgive. Someone I knew well, who tried hard at everything, who knew she was human but still made mistakes and beat herself up terribly for it. Someone who liked to appear happy and easy to get along with, but who felt challenged treating herself the same way as she treated others. As that to-do list grew and grew, incorporating intentions of better fitness regimes, stricter guidelines for children, more studying, more support for her family and pets, more gardening, reading, tidying, housecleaning, effort at work, getting more sleep, meditating, writing letters - you get the idea - she felt worse and worse about herself. Ever called yourself hopeless? Even though you perhaps would never call someone else that?

And so, stunned into awareness, I said to myself, I forgive you. For letting those opportunities go by. For being too scared to take action. For dropping out of this or that. For being too nice to my kids. For being too afraid to stand up and say, I matter, and this is not how I do things. For not believing that I am worth it.

I forgive you.

And with a tentative sigh, a clean slate, I tuned back into the coach and continued to toss that clutter, both the mental and the physical. Thank goodness everyday is a new day.